I know in my last post I said I would most likely post on the weekend due to my excess of time given to me by the recent snowstorm, and if not the weekend, then one of the days I would get off from school (which is sadly only two). Clearly that did not happen for one reason or another, whether it was from laziness or the fact I didn’t know what to write about. I have no interest in writing about recent events taking place as it is the same (horrible) stuff that has been happening recently and feel I have exhausted the topic in prior posts as well. I will most likely write on it again in the future, but for now I do not want to bog myself down and you all anymore than we already are, I know that I for one, am exhausted.

Moving on from that aside, I still do not have any topic for the post I am currently writing. It’s funny I feel almost as if I am inclined to write on some deep or controversial topic as that has been the majority of my posts so far and that people will be disappointed to open this post and see I am simply talking about nothing. Why is it I have set this unrealistic expectation on myself? Quite literally no one else is expecting me to have all the answers, yet I feel I should have them. I hate not having an answer for my friends when they ask me a question about something. I know they do not come to me for answers but support, yet I feel I must have an answer for their problem. So, this brings me back to my initial question, why do I expect this of myself when no one else does?

In short, because I am human. We as humans tend to be more caring towards others, a herd mentality if you would. Is it for social validation? Companionship? Or is it just out of the kindness of one’s heart? Whatever the reason, it appears the vast majority of the people I know would fall into this selfless category, which is not a bad thing by any means. If anything, it’s a great thing.

The issue arises, however, when we don’t afford ourselves the same kindness we give others. Too many times have I talked to people who are incredibly sweet and caring, who then turn around and belittle themselves for making a little mistake. If I was to make the same mistake as them however, they would comfort me, say it is okay, and so on so forth. It is a bit hypocritical, don’t you think?

I am struggling to put this next part into words, but it has to do with over giving. There is such a thing believe it or not, and it is most expressed as spreading yourself too thin. Something someone told me is, “If you just give and give and give, eventually you will have nothing left for yourself. Additionally, if you have nothing left for yourself, how can you expect yourself to continue to give to other people?” Well the short answer is you can’t, so you spiral out of control. Not only are you now doing poorly, but you can’t help those you care about. It is a lose-lose situation, and one I am familiar with.

Most of my friends are familiar with my 8^th grade story, and while there were many other factors going into this, one of them was over giving, spreading myself too thin. I had one friend who had an extremely difficult home life, and my little 8^th grade self felt it was up to me to help them. So I tried comforting them however I could, which was not a good idea considering I was in a rough spot myself. It is hard to help someone swim if you are drowning yourself, and my gosh was I drowning. So here I was, trying to help my friend when I didn’t even have the capacity to help myself.

For those who are familiar with this story you know where this is going.

It got to a point where I was just spiraling and spiraling and me in all my wisdom decided to not reach out to my family or friends. It just kept getting worse and worse, and I’m still trying to help my friend all the while but I’m not being much help obviously. Eventually it all culminated to one afternoon where I was especially down for whatever reason. I texted a friend about my thoughts and long story short I spent the night at the hospital. I didn’t do anything for the record, just heavily considered it. So, there I was, in the ER surrounded by my family with their eyes looking at me with their worried eyes. Now this is the part I hope none of you ever experience. The questions. I hope you never have to look your mother in the eyes when she asks you why you wanted to kill yourself and all you have to say is “I don’t know.”

Luckily for me, I made it through. I am okay and am now taking care of myself decently well if I do say so myself. But I want this to serve as a cautionary tale. While I do not think any of you all will spiral to the degree I did, it is possible and I do not want that to happen. So, this is why I ask you all to make sure you do not spread yourselves too thin, be kind to yourself. To not hold yourself to unreasonable standards, and even when you do slip up and make a mistake, brush it off, keep going. Of course, some mistakes will be bigger than others, but none is one we should allow ourselves to become obsessed with and tell ourselves that we are a failure and will amount to nothing. So please, I ask of you to love yourselves a little more.

With that said, I am going to be kinder to myself and wrap up this post. I need to go to sleep so I can go freeze outside while I walk to class tomorrow. As always, there is much more I would love to add to this post, but I do not want to make it too long for you all. If you ever want to talk to me about the contents of my blog, I would be happy to. Whether it is praise, disagreement, questions, critiques, whatever it is, I will gladly talk about it. I wish you all the best, and please, love yourselves a little bit more.

(Tonight, Tonight by the Smashing Pumpkins)