This writing will most likely be scattered a lot; it will make sense why that is after reading.

Been a while hasn’t it? My apologies for that, but I will get to why I haven’t written in a while in a moment. Firstly, I would like to say please check on those you care about. You truly never know what someone is going through. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure for the most part people are fine, but it is not something we should always expect. Everyone has their struggles, whether prompted or unprompted. Life happens after all.

Anyways, I guess I will explain why it has been so long since I have written. You see, I am depressed and at this current moment I think I would even classify it as majorly depressed. It is well known that I have depression in general, I take medication for it after all, but this past month it has been debilitating. I have fallen back into my habit of skipping class, staying in bed all day, and rarely leaving my dorm room. I become so ashamed of this fact that I am rarely truthful when someone asks me about classes, granted I have a reason for that, but I digress. And this shame carries on to talking to my professors, I don’t know why I find it so difficult to talk to them about work I missed (maybe because they don’t respond to my emails) so I end up not. It is stupid I know, but in my current state I take the easy way out.

The easy way. You know, sabotaging my own education, wasting my mother’s money, and making myself even worse. That is effectively what I am doing right now, and I realize that. But I find it so hard to do anything about it. It is so difficult to break free of this, especially when I don’t tell anyone. I do not know if it is the shame, my pride, or whatever else it might be that stops me. There is just something that inhibits me from being fully truthful with my friends or loved ones.

One possibility that I have thought and felt that might stop me from being truthful and vulnerable with others currently is that I am afraid of being a nuisance. There are two factors that I take in to being a ‘nuisance’, one of which being I have already come to my friends about these issues. My dad, my depression, my skipping classes, all of it, it has been done before. I know that is silly thinking, but it is true, this is last year just magnified even more. The second thing I take in to being a nuisance is being unhappy. No one wants to be around someone who is sad, angry, irritated, or any other negative emotion, it is no fun after all. So, I do my best to be happy, and don’t get me wrong most of the time I am with people I genuinely am happy and enjoying myself (contrary to popular belief, you can be happy while depressed) but sometimes it is just an act.

I do really try not to let my depression influence how I behave, but let’s be real how would it not? This past month especially, I have been irritable, rash, easy frustrated, quiet, and closed off. There are many times I find myself wishing to be completely alone, but there are also many times where I want the complete opposite. There are many times where I want to be surrounded by people, and if I am not I feel this deep emptiness inside of myself. It is a crushing feeling. But it is fun how I experience these two complete polar opposites of emotions. Usually, they are courteous enough to give each other a few days before switching though. All these feelings make my life miserable though, because too often recently I feel I have said the wrong thing or made a mountain out of molehills. I feel I am losing my mind half of the days, I can’t think straight. Even now as I write, my mind feels as foggy as the weather right now.

I feel I have made choices recently that a straightforward thinking me would not have made. A normal me, a rational me. But that is not who I am right now. I am a broken me, a shattered me, one who can’t find the words to describe what he feels. I just don’t know how. I want to talk about this but can’t figure out how I am supposed to (along with not wanting to be a nuisance).

A bit off topic but this is my blog, so I get to write what I want to write. I have said this before to some, but I think that most people assume I am going to be okay now. I am not. My dad passed away not even five months ago and I have been in agony. I know that life keeps on moving but I am not ready to. As stupid as this sounds, I am delicate right now. I can’t handle conflict, I can’t deal with needless arguments, I can’t do anything I deem unnecessary, I just can’t do it. And now not only has my father passed, but my grandmother has as well, which I have not told any of my friends. I don’t know why I haven’t.

I want to cry. I want to get this out of my system, let myself feel what I need to feel. But I don’t know why, recently I have not been able to. It has stayed trapped inside me, with bits and pieces coming out every once in a while, but I always shut it down before it can become more. Why? Why do I do this to myself? It just builds and builds and builds and it has gotten to a point where I just can’t do it anymore. I want to put a hole in a wall or something, I just feel it all built up inside myself. My worst fear is I am going to lash out at someone, finally just crack from all the pressure. But I won’t let that happen.

I am back in therapy. I forget if it was myself wanting to go back or if my mother suggested it but hey either or I am back. I’m not quite sure exactly what I am hoping to get out of therapy this time, I guess just unravel my mind so I can think clearly and rationally.

I have really gone all over the place in this one haven’t I? I guess it is a good representation of the past month for myself. Anyway, I don’t think I have more to say at this juncture, I just wish you all the best, take care of yourselves please.

Oh and last and most certainly least, good riddance February, you stupid no good waste of a month.

Adam’s Song by blink-182