I am not addressing the time gap between posts, as that has just become redundant at this point. That is that.

This past month and a half I have become consumed by the spectacle that is the World Cup, as I myself am a huge football (soccer) fan. And this World Cup is extra special, as it is hosted by the US (mainly) this year. I myself was lucky enough to go to a game, France vs. Norway, which sadly had France win 4-1. I was with some family friends who were Norwegian so I was fully immersed in the chanting, signing, and ups and downs of the match. It was an experience I will never forget. I can’t even describe it properly, it was just incredible, once in a lifetime. And that was with Norway resting their starters too, even still it didn’t stop the Nords from having the time of their life. And what a run they were able to make as well, going toe to toe with England is nothing short of remarkable for a country who hasn’t made the World Cup since 1998. 

But now the World Cup is winding down, the final is set between Spain and Argentina, in what I hope will be a fascinating match and more than likely Messi’s last dance. I don’t know how he still does it, he’s just an anomaly. Anyways, since my days are no longer occupied with a game every few hours, I’ve done a whole lot of nothing. I’ve wanted to exercise some, see some friends, yet almost everyday I find myself sitting in front of my laptop playing video games. Don’t get me wrong, video games are great, I do really enjoy them, but it should not be the main focus of my life. I need something of substance, something that will get me out of my house or at the very least moving around, as I fear my current situation is taking a toll on me.

I am afraid I am becoming a bitter person. I am sure my inactivity is contributing to this, but it is definitely not the only reason. You see, recently my sister has gotten herself a boyfriend, and don’t get me wrong I am happy for her, but I can’t help myself from grimacing every time I see him. I find myself absolutely loathing this guy. I nitpick every single thing about him in my mind, am cold to him in person, and overall hold this negative opinion of him. It’s not his fault either, from what I have seen and heard he is a great guy who has been incredibly sweet and caring towards my sister, but I can’t get past my own thoughts. 

Frankly, I think I’m jealous of my sister, which is something I never thought I’d say. Compared to me, she has it all put together. She’s doing well in school, is furthering her relationship with the Lord, and now has a loving boyfriend. Meanwhile I’m taking off next semester, feel far from God, and don’t have anyone like my sister does. And to top it all off, I’m taking out my unjustified frustration on my sister’s new boyfriend. I can’t stomach to look at the guy half the time, it’s that bad. But I’m behind my sister, my younger sister. She’s ahead of me in everything, and I just can’t take that. I don’t know if it’s my ego or if I’m overwhelmed by the prospect of being a failure, but my mind just can’t take that I’m behind. It is so petty, so bitter of me to feel this way, yet I do. And just like my sister’s boyfriend this isn’t her fault either; there is nothing wrong with her living her life. In fact, it’s actually great that she is. But my stupid self can’t take feeling inferior. 

But is it actually about being inferior? Or is it that my sister is living the life I want to? I want to do well in school, I want to feel close to the Lord, and I want a loving girlfriend. Or is it that I used to have that life and long for it again? I did well in school, I was close to the Lord, and I did have a loving girlfriend. Is that it? Or am I afraid I’ll never have any of that ever again? Will I do well in school, will I feel close to the Lord, and will I have a loving girlfriend? I guess it could be all three, the trifecta if you will. 

I think things would be different if I never had the joy I did at one point in my life, I wouldn’t know what that feeling was and wouldn’t miss it so much. You know the saying, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened”? Well I think that has to be one of THE most stupid quotes ever. Yeah great, Dad’s dead but at least he was alive at one point right? Completely idiotic. And yes I know that you are supposed to be able to look at the past fondly, and enjoy memories and blah blah blah whatever. I’m not saying I don’t or you can’t, but to imply you cannot be sad and miss what you once had is absolute crap. As I said, bittersweet, that is what the past is. Almost always the past will be bittersweet. The only times it won’t be is if your past was putrid or both your past and present are wonderful happy memories. But let’s be real, life is no fairytale, so that second option I cannot even fathom happening. 

As I’m writing all this I cannot figure out how I feel. It is a mixture of sadness, anger, and frustration. I am sure there is a word for it but I cannot be bothered to look it up. I am worried that my life is off the rails and I’m not confident I can get the train back on them. 

But who knows, maybe I will. Maybe I will do well in school, get close to the Lord again, and find a loving girlfriend. Maybe my dream of becoming a football manager could be realized, though I am afraid I was born in the wrong country for that. But who knows, maybe the sun will shine bright again on my downtrodden life.

Wishful thinking, but maybe the thinking I need right now.

As always, I wish you all well, whoever is still reading this. I don’t have my Instagram account to force people to read this anymore, so those of you who do read this, wow can’t believe you still check this site. As usual, there were ten more topics I could have talked about and most likely will at some point, this just wasn’t the time or place to. But take care of yourselves, it’s more important than you realize. God bless.

(Don’t Look Back in Anger by Oasis)